At what point do you take it upon yourself and end a friendship? For what reasons? Or is there ever a good enough reason? I say, absolutely. I've ended many. For many reasons. And each and every one of them has, at the time, felt like the one thing from which I would never recover.
But I did.
My longest friendship to date, has lasted me 30 years. We argue like cats and dogs. We go months, and months, without seeing one another. We live in different cities. We lead different lives. But we love one another, unconditionally. That's the only necessity. Unconditional acceptance, which comes from unconditional love.
When I turned 15, I met, who I assumed would eternally be, the best girl friend I ever had. We "knew" each other, deeply, and early on. We understood all of one another, with little reason to. It was a soul mate kinda thing. And I loved her every minute because she was a miracle to me. She put me through hell sometimes, but she gave me some of the best moments of my life as well. Finding someone who makes you feel as though you are actually connected somehow to another part of the universe, is nothing short of a miracle.
Over time, our priorities began to change, and we took different paths. We went a few years without talking, during which time she named one of her children after me. To think, we hadn't spoken in years, and I was still in her heart that much. As she was in mine. So one day I showed up at her door. Nothing bad ever happened. It all went away in that moment. And so we continued on.
To try and explain to you what exactly went wrong, would be impossible, because to this day, I have no real concept of it all. What I do know; when you must beg someone to come over, it's time to let go; when you must surprise visit to catch them in their home, because you know it's the only way you will get time with them, it's time to let go; when you feel the exact same way toward them as you did in the beginning and every day in between, but you can't get them to answer the phone, it's time to let go.
So I told her, straight as I could, you have one more chance. Apparently she didn't believe me. Our social media connection was the first to go. When it takes someone three months to realize that, it's time to let go.
What transpired after she realized it, I will spare you. However, she was part of my soul. And I suppose she will be until I die. Some days, I literally ache inside my gut for one of our ridiculous conversations about nothing that we both understand entirely on the exact same level. Some days I see clear as thin glass the anxiety that I evade now that I don't worry if she loves me the same. If on any level, your friendship causes you anxiety, and you try and address it, to no avail, it's time to let go.
Small town endings are hard on a level big city endings can't relate to. I fear running into her and what will happen. I break down and message her and tell her I am thinking of her. I write blogs to try and get out some of the cathartic necessities that still weigh me down. But, I trust me.
The way to survive any ending you face, friendships, love, jobs, etc., is trusting yourself. I know what hurt the friendship had caused me. I know it is my responsibility to take care of myself. I once read that a soul mate isn't someone who you love and spend your life with; rather, someone who reflects to you an internal image of yourself, showing you what you are lacking, where you are depraved. It is your choice to capitalize on that relationship to learn to fill the voids, brighten the depravity, or dwell inside of them. She showed me voids. I showed her as well. She dwelled in them, and I believe, at some point, began to blame me for them. I chose to capitalize on my reflection, use my newly vacated time without her to work on their sustenance, and making myself a higher quality person.
Nineteen years I loved her like a part of my own soul. Nineteen more I will mourn our separation. I will miss her always; but I analyzed that reflection of what she gave to me, and I made the best of it for my future Go onward with those who make your lives better. Not everyone is meant to stay in your life always; many are here to direct you down the road less traveled, the road you would not have taken, had they not taken your hand while going around the turn. If they let go of it after you make the turn, it's time to let go, of them this time.
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