As a child, we are often told, "if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all." That's a great sentiment, but what about when you get older? We're told, "be yourself, no matter what." I don't know about you, but "myself," very often has some unkind thoughts. So what do you do about it? Is it a battle we can win? I say, absolutely. Let us open our minds and walk through a few scenarios, enter the matrix, take a trip down a rabbit hole, and see where we end up, shall we?
This may come as a shock to those of you who know me now, but as a child / teenager / wanna-be adult, I did the world's share of lying. I believe self-reflection has brought me to the point I am at today, being able to see the harm I have done, and provide me with the insight toward the benefits of truth-telling, knowing oneself, and giving only the truth behind myself to the rest of the world.
Lying as a, we'll go with "teenager," happened for many reasons. Drugs, as you all are aware by now, were a part of my life for a brief time. I would come up with fake reasons to need money, lie about where I had been, who I had been with, and of course, what I had been doing. These types of lies though, aren't really what I want to focus on. There is an inherent need to lie to people, about nearly everything, through the art of exaggeration, when one is unsure of oneself; insecurity will walk you to the front door of a false life and leave you there to rot. This type of lying is harder to stop, because it is more complex in nature, at its root, and thus, harder to understand where it comes from, and why it shows up at all.
My years as a teenager were spent as an "outsider, outcast," whatever you want to call it. I had my circle of friends, most of whom fit into the same category, and it was with one another that we could be ourselves, as much as it allows for as a teen. But I have always been able to remember catching myself, as if I didn't know I was doing it, telling the most exaggerated tales on the most insignifcant events, for what appeared to be no reason at all. I hated myself. Not for the lies, just in general. I had believed for years there was something wrong with me. I believed neither of my parents loved me, the rest of the family split down the middle and only a few spoke to me, and if you can't manage to convince your family to love you, then do you really have any worth at all?
Of course you do. And if someone doesn't love you, is that actually even a reflection of your worth? Certainly not. Parental issues are always something that embed themselves deep into your subconscious. We all have them for one reason or another, and I am not using mine as any type of crutch; it is simply a truth we all face at some point. What parental crutches have you created in your own subconscious? Have you taken time to deal with them, even yet? Reflection and serious dedication to the art on knowing your true self is necessary to battle the minions that arise from the sensitivities we envision as children. The thought that my parents did not love me was absurd, and a notion I've dealt with over the years, details a plenty, with which I will not bore you now. But couple this notion with the angst of being a teen, then with being an outsider, then with being a redhead, then with being poor, imagine the insecurities one must have. In addition to that, I have recently discovered some hints of mania I am dealing with, and wondering the ways in which they must have manifested as a child. All in all, I hold true to the "no excuses" clause and maintain that the term "crutch" is as accurate as I can get. Everyone deals with something; not everyone makes an effort to learn and move on from it.
A documentary I watched a few months back noted similarities in many children with mania; outbursts, stealing, rebelliousness, recklessness, lying, paranoia, unrealistic fears and phobias, etc., etc. It was interesting to watch my life play out on television, as I was in fact, all of these things. I had deeply ingrained fears that haunted me as a child, and then as a teenager. (Sometimes I believe they have merely transformed into more "adult" fears for me now.) But what I realized is, these fears, these insecurities, drove me to exaggerate even the most minute detail of a story in order to seem more appealing to whomever I was telling, in order to convince them, that I was worth their time, essentially, their love.
It wasn't until I entered my second mentally, and first physically, absusive relationship that I faced the one fear I hated above all the rest...I was a people-pleaser, a peace-maker, a doormat. But only when it came to battles of love, in any realm, friendship, romantic, familial. Otherwise, I was often called rebellious, deviant, what have you. I did whatever I needed to do to keep the "love" I thought I had, happy with the person they thought I was. Ugh, if you could have seen me the day I realized this. Talk about catharsis. I laid there, inanimate, for who knows how long, drowning in my discovery. I was NOT a people-pleaser nor had I EVER been!!! I was so angry with myself; it's utterly indescribable. My grandmother was a people-pleaser, a doormat; though I love her and see a strength in her not many others do, I couldn't be that person. I had to fix it, fast.
All the while I was dealing with the battles of who I truly was inside, I was also dealing with a great amount of anger I was unaware of. Most of us are, truthfully. The world is in a state of despair and if we deny the injustices, the inequities, the ugliness of humanity, then my only thought is that you must have the abilities of a genuine sociopath, unfeeling, uncaring, living guilt free. Even if great injustice has not occurred in your own life, a sense of connectedness to the rest of the living will allow you to bear that burden on your own. And it hurts. What is more, the partner that typically comes with anger, asking for it or not, is isolation and cruelty. Though we are angry at the masses for the injustices being slighted all over the world, we are not hesitatant in taking it out on our fellow person standing before us. (talk about a rabbit hole right?)
How does this all tie together? Each and every single one of us can recognize that our world is in a state of despair. And unless you are grouping with the sociopathic in nature, it is safe to assume, you ache as a result of this despair. We all do. We all feel isolated, desperate, pained, wronged even, for one reason or another. Recognize this in your fellow person; make a conscious effort to stop loving just the masses, and hating on individuals. Each individual is part of one mass or another; we must begin to seem them all wholly, or allow our angst to destroy us from within.
The reason I bring up the "grand state of the world," is because it is only once we recognize our own pains that we can begin to see how we treat one another and why. Once we see how we treat one another, we can fix it, and begin to love, heal. It is only when you are a reflective, truth-seeking individual, that you can stop worrying about whether or not what you have to say is nice. Everything you have to say will come from a place of truth and love. That is the greatest goal we can seek.
If you are able to reflect upon yourself daily, whether its through meditation, writing, walking, working out, or some other activity that allows you to center yourself and focus on your core, then you will grow as a human being, into a light-seeker, one who desires illumination for everyone. There is no darkness there, there is no hate, no hostility, no angst. It is often a hard place in which to reside, but always worth it.
Even though I have endured a few battles, I refuse to apologize for who I am and the things I say. Those of you who know me as an adult, know that I suffer from an almost "social tourettes syndrome," living without much of a filter, and literally having to say the things that cross my mind. But because I seek truth and humanity, because I believe a deep sense of togetherness and honesty, I accept my truths as openly as they come. I am a peaceful person who loves love in all of its forms. It is only in the absence of love that things become dark for me. I have spent years trying to understand myself, knowing it is a struggle one can never win. We are always in a constant state of change, alteration, growth, death. Thus we can only manage to undstand ourselves in the moment. In this moment, I give to you this truth:
I was not happy when I was young. I denied myself years of authenticity, and consequently others. I managed only to obtain superficial relationships and lost more people than I care to count. I lied, stole, fought, hurt, and destroyed moments for other people. I live in a state of regret for that. As an adult, I am blissfully happy, because I have been able to recognize that as long as I live in a constant state of love for my fellow person, understand that at this moment, they are fighting a battle as well, and rest in a place of residual non-judgement, I will always relay love to my fellow person. I will have nothing of myself to hide. I will be unable, as love shines bright as the noonday sun. My control will be lost, and I will pour onto the earth like the rays themselves.
Love who you are, and see your person, your battle, your despair in the eyes of those around you. Make a conscious effort each day to think before you speak, and reflect on that which you have spoken. Ensure you are spreading joy and offering love to everyone. Not just to those seeking it; we are all in need of love. Most are simply not in a place in which they are willing to ask for it.
So when I say, face the truth, end the fight with your inhibitions, I merely mean this. We are all battling for survival and happiness. Do not hate one another. Love the fact that we are all still here. Be willing to share the truth of who you are with those around you. If you do not, you are simply wasting time and awaiting disappointment. Only in honesty can one be truly happy. Share your soul in this moment, now! There are many who have yet to even encounter their own. You may be the light that they need to have shine on their own.
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