If I Could Accomplish Anything At All...

If I could accomplish anything in the world, it would be to teach people how to not hate.  Love is so much better.  In my own life, the things that I have been hated for include being poor, being redheaded, being sexually promiscuous, being outspoken, being smart, being on drugs, being friendly to the less desirable class of people, being happy, being myself.  I’m sure I could think of more, and I am certain there are things I am unaware of, but that, was actually kind of exhausting. 

There is always someone willing to hate you for whatever it is you are doing at the time.  I just had a stint with cancer.  I am sure someone hated me for that.  That, I was asking for attention, or that I was getting attention that they wanted, or something else equally absurd.  I know that there were some that hated that I told everyone and made it public rather than keeping it between close family or friends.  But really, I don’t mind.

I heard an old adage years ago that said something like, “if you’re not being hated for something, then you’re not doing it right.”  I believe that is true simply because of the way human nature works; however, that doesn’t mean I think it’s right.  I also heard one that goes like this, “I am not competing with anyone; I hope we all make it.”  I prefer the latter. 

But how do we get to a place of loving one another continually, including ourselves, rather than putting envy, jealousy and hate out into the world for others to feed off of?  It’s not an easy process that is for sure, but it is possible.  And take it from me, it’s just like anything else.  You have to practice. 

Jealousy and envy are two of the ugliest emotions a person can have.  Mostly, because they often are being taken out on someone who has little or no control over what it is that you want.  I have struggled with these over the years, plenty.  I come from meager means, to say the least, and was inadvertently made to feel as though I was quite special.  My ego did not match my means.  I felt shorted, like the world was making me work for things I should have been given naturally.  I won’t go so far as to say I was unattractive, but looks will only get you so far, especially if your personality boasts an idea of being owed. 

The older I got, the more I saw people who came from backgrounds similar to mine, but seemed to have their shit together.  One friend of mine in particular has always managed to make me feel dreadful about myself, on accident of course.  I had it easy, I was smart, I was relatively attractive, I could make people laugh, I could talk to just about anyone, I, consequently, didn’t work hard for a whole lot that I ever had.  This girl, she busts her ass all the time with motivation I will never be able to wrap my head around, and she has a life to show for it.  I love her and I am so proud of her and though I used to harbor some jealously toward the things she was able to accomplish, I now honor her effort and take pride in the fact that she is my friend. 

When I finally was able to come to terms with the fact that I was a jealous person, it was an ugly, black day.  People often questioned me as to why I didn’t do this or that.  Why I wasn’t somewhere else, doing something great.  The potential is there.  The work, isn’t.  I have made poor choices in my life.  I have made lazy choices in my life.  I have received the life I worked to get.  And surprisingly, it’s been hard.  I believe the reason it’s been so hard, is because it isn’t the life I am meant to have.  By that I don’t mean that I am meant for wealth and fame and beautiful things.  I mean that I am meant to be happy and joyous and surrounded by love.  Yet for now, I am not.  Though I see things changing every single day.

Hard choices came first.  I was in a profession that made me miserable.  In addition to making me miserable, as hard as I tried, (and I did try here), to find a sense of integrity in the financial industry, it just isn’t there in big enough segments to be able to live off of it.  You can feed the system every day with your effort and it will take it and chew it up and spit it out.  The financial industry is for the dirty, devious, and deceitful at its worst, and for the completely apathetic at its best.  It took a decade of my life, and a whole lot of my fight, but I finally realized, I wasn’t going to change the system; rather, it was only changing me, at least, suppressing me.  In order to save my soul, (yes, I believe that’s true), I had to get out, and move on.  That meant two things, starting over financially / professionally, and removing a certain sect of people from my life.  Of course, a lot of hate came from that decision. 

Upon leaving the bank, I made myself a promise.  I would never again hide who I was, or what I wanted or needed from this world, for anyone or anything.  I would wear what I want, look how I want, and do what I want.  This concept of professionalism isn’t a look, it’s an attitude, and I’m well equipped with the ability to treat people correctly.  But people have such a massive misconception of me because of the professional façade I had to put into the world to keep my job in the industry for so long.  And I don’t mean to say that there are no good people left in the field.  I met some.  They are stronger than I am because I couldn’t split my life into two pieces anymore.  Freedom rushed over me and I began doing what I wanted.  It has been such a sweet release.

I have been working as a temp in order to try and figure out what it is that I want to do with my life.  Well, I’ve always known I am a writer, but I need a day job.  It’s a struggle when your heart is in a place that won’t feed your life.  But at least now, I write. 

While this transformation has been taking place, I have also been making small steps in redirecting my thought process and taking it away from hate and jealousy and putting it on the path of love.  Immediately, I cut out everyone who I felt would be a negative influence.  Over the last year, I have been reintroducing people into my life as I have let go of some of my own issues.  A major lesson one must learn is this:  you cannot control the way a person feels about you; you may only control the way you feel toward them, and, subsequently, how you act toward them.  If a person hates you, that doesn’t mean they have no place in your life, or at least, they may not need eliminated from it.  Rather, it may be a chance for you to embark on a quest for truth.  Learn what it is that you have done to create such negativity.  If you come to the conclusion that you are not at any fault, then let go and move on.  If you are able to look deep into that looking glass and see an error in your ways, then you have an amazing opportunity for growth, and remorse.  Always apologize for the wrong you have done.  Even if the other person won’t, or isn’t yet willing to, accept it.  You are responsible for the emotions you emit to the universe.  If you do not transmit remorse, then you are allowing the hate to feed.

Once you know you have done what you can to remove the negativity from your spirit, then you have provided an open space for love.  This is the purpose for reintroducing people into my life.  Not that I want anything from them, but that I want them, the negative space they occupied or supplied, eradicated.  I have to take charge of changing the path of my thoughts.  If I can allow someone to be around or be inside of my life and not allow my positivity to be stolen by their existence in it, then I am doing it right. 

The most effort I can make is this, every time a thought leaves my lips, allow myself to process what it was.  Be conscious of my words.  It’s a struggle.  My sarcasm knows no bounds.  It’s almost as natural as breathing to me.  So this is a BIG effort.  But, I have done it.  Every time I speak, I think, “what kind of an impact might that have on the person it was directed to?”  If it is a negative impact, then I retract and redirect.  If it is positive, then I let it fly.  If you continue to make this effort, it will become more and more natural to you, and you will be able to stop the harsh words before they come out at all. 

Jealousy, envy, though, are different monsters altogether.  Like I said before, I was meant to feel like I was entitled to a certain lifestyle because of the way I was raised.  I put forth some effort into my life, and expected the rewards to come.  But things kept getting worse.  It wasn’t until I walked away from everything I knew, that I became aware of the hindrance life had on me.  Like Fight Club teaches us, “it isn’t until you walk away from everything, that you are free to do anything.”  There were so many strongholds on me that I wasn’t aware of.  Abusive relationships, work I hated, negative people who thought that appearances were everything, guilt from things I had done in my own past, ignoring myself and my spirit.  I let it all go.  The standards of others no longer have an impact on my day to day life.  When you live your life according to the standards of others, whether it’s your friends or your society, you are driven by a source of envy, a need to keep up with others, rather than a desire to meet the demands of your life, your soul.  And when we aren’t feeding our own soul, we will never be able to find anything fulfilling in the least. 

Today I stand and say, I live by the desires of my own heart, and that which I believe is the best and most progressive path for my existence.  I believe in other people and their potential.  I promote rather than suppress.  I live instead of exist.  I have taken time to learn who I am and what my soul desires.  Eastern philosophy, specifically Yogi principles, have taught me more than I could ever envision.  Our energies are everything.  We must honor them and progress with them.  Meditation allows us to live in the moment and honor that which is surrounding us.  We are not promised another.  There is no room for jealousy in such a place.  We have all we need within us.  Namaste-the divinity within me, honors the divinity within you.  We are all the same, made up of the same energies, moving toward the same existences.  Our paths may vary, our intentions may deviate, our words may falter, but our lives will always end up the same.  Knowing what I know now, jealousy is pointless because we’re all the same.  Hatred is pointless because we’re all the same.  I love myself.  And I love you as well.  Namaste my friends, my brothers and sisters.  May you know the depth of the love you all possess.